class BWRoulette

# File lib/bwroulette.rb, line 2
def self.excuse
  nouns = [
    "my cat",
    "the boiler",
    "my car",
    "the neighbour",
    "my teacher",
    "the computer",
    "my friend's mother",
    "that guy I met last week",
    "the vpn",
    "the internet",
    "this thing",
    "my pet badger",
    "the graphics card",
    "the yakisoba bun I just ate",
    "this singapore food",
    "this singapore weather",
    "this singapore apartment",
    "kim jong un",
    "my wife",
    "I",
    "the netflix account",
    "the office",
    "my living situation",
    "my desk",
    "the stuff on my desk",
    "the sky",
    "this bottle of coke",
    "the office furniture",
    "the taxi on the way to the airport",
    "the taxi on the way to the office",
    "my lead",
    "my vintage collection of coffee paraphernalia",
    "my woodworking instructor",
    "my gun",
    "my wife's gun",
    "my doctor",
    "my lawyer",
    "my global mobility team assistant",
    "my passport",
    "my lover",
    "my ex-lover",
    "the president of singapore",
    "some guy on the street",
  ]

  actions = [
    "is giving birth",
    "is getting robbed",
    "is spilling water everywhere",
    "is on fire",
    "just fell over outside",
    "got lost on the way and I have to pick it up",
    "just broke down",
    "needs to be fixed",
    "lost a lot of blood",
    "is taking way too long, I have to see what the problem is",
    "is taking on water!",
    "keeps timing out",
    "just doesn't seem to be working",
    "is done for",
    "has totally bricked up",
    "can't be saved",
    "won't let me in",
    "requires IPV4 routable egress address. I have a IPV6 address here.",
    "is in bridge mode and the comcast router is serving IPV6",
    "can't VPN so I'll try and hack the airport",
    "is taking too long so its not viable for the business for me to continue with it",
    "has run out, I'm just ordering another one with my corporate card, but I don't have Amazon Prime so its gonna be a few weeks before it arrives, unless I expense next day delivery",
    "is just too dicey, theres no chance I can get it done",
    "! Theres no point carrying on, it would be a waste of mine and everyone's time",
    "has got me beat, Don't be afraid to take a break guys, in fact take as much time as you need.  On that note I'm signing out for the rest of the day",
    "YOLO!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯",
    ", can you beleve it! so I'm out",
    "should have been delivered today, but it wasn't so I'm going to have to go drive to the far side of Eastern West Virginia to track it down",
    "has just disappeared.  I may be some time",
    "has given me the runs, I'm gonna be in the toilet for the rest of the day",
    "is so slow so, its about 300mb per second. I'm gonna be about 3x slower than normal so I might as well not bother doing any more work I'll just get too frustrated",
    "is just too big, I can't manage it",
    "is too small, how am I supposed to work",
    "has got me all flustered, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead",
    "exploded.  This is the end.  See you all later :)",
    "just shat everywhere.  What a mess",
    "is threatening me with nuclear missiles, looks like its time to watch netflix",
    "is sick, gotta head out.  @here I will answer the pager; but TBH I'm down too :(",
    "is under the weather. So not been here",
    "is stuck, theres a vague sensation of melancholy in the air leading me to question the significance of this existence",
    "took me by surprise, I'll need time to recover",
    "told me that I need to take it easy, I don't want to burn out",
    "caused me to question the validity of my work, I concluded that I should take some time to myself",
    "blew up, theres support tickets everywhere so I'm burning down the check_rsyslog alerts, I've closed at least 70 so far like a boss",
    "has really gotten to me, I'm under the weather, I think I'll take it slow",
    "bowed out.  In situations like this I have to do whats best for me, and thats go chill, but I'll chime in slack randomly so everyone knows I'm around.",
    "just died so its gonna be a slow day.",
    "made me make a mistake, oh well I guess!",
    "burst into flames, I'm all shook up",
    "And I don't do emails.",
  ]

  "Sorry guys, #{nouns.sample} #{actions.sample}"
end